Developing Self-Esteem: Learning that You are Not So Special and Life's Not Fair

by Tanya Beecher, Director of Counseling

At thirteen I wanted to taking riding lessons and the answer was no. "That's not fair!" I whined and my mother replied, as she always did to this comment from me, "And who ever told you that life was going to be fair? I sure didn't." I crossed my arms, let out a dissatisfied sigh and proceeded to give her glaring looks of contempt. It didn't change anything. It never did, and I had to find some way to learn how to deal with the disappointment of the day. I also had to learn that I was not alone, and that having disappointments and frustrations is part of being human. This is preparation for real life and, believe it or not, this builds self-esteem.

One of the most common cited comments by parents in their child's application to the Academy at Swift River is a wish to improve their child's self-esteem. The comments that usually follow include mention of their children's lack of confidence in themselves resulting in a pattern of poor achievement; high intelligence and strong abilities, but a lack of motivation, drive, or belief in themselves. Usually this is tied to a reported pattern of school failures, dropping activities or hobbies they once loved, and turning to unhealthy friendships and behaviors including skipping school, defiance, succumbing to peer pressures, and a variety of conflicts at home with family.

Developing self-esteem in children is a fascinating topic that is often misunderstood to mean that we just need to tell our children that they are really good, smart, special, spectacular, amazing, gifted, talented, and so forth, and they will feel better about themselves. "If only they could see in themselves what everyone else sees!" Many believe that parents need to protect children from life's adversities by doing all that they can to keep their children happy and satisfied so their feelings about themselves, or self-esteem, does not get wounded or damaged. It certainly seems logical but this actually sets up the just the opposite result, as Dr. Polly Young-Eisendrath so aptly writes about in her book, "The Self-Esteem Trap: Raising Confident and Compassionate Kids in an Age of Self-Importance." She explains that often in our well intentioned attempts to boost our child's self esteem, we are actually contributing to generating a range of issues from extreme self-centeredness to restless dissatisfaction with current life circumstances.

Other patterns noted by Dr. Young-Eisendrath are unrealistic fantasies of an easily acquired lifestyle that suits their personal predilections, feelings either of superiority or inferiority, unreadiness to take on age appropriate responsibilities, impatience with the time it takes to achieve things, premature angst and disillusionment with the world. They may become overwhelmed, excessively frustrated, or have difficulty with the ordinary challenges of life. She clearly explains that children who are frequently praised as special, intelligent, and gifted struggle when faced with ordinary life or school challenges that do not immediately reinforce the praise they have been getting. For example, a low grade or lack of invitation to a peer's birthday party, which are quite normal life events, can provoke a serious emotional tailspin with resultant behaviors that lead to further fallout.

So how does this really translate in what we see as parents of struggling teenagers?

• A child whose needs are seemingly more important than anyone else's in the family and who expects those needs to be tended to and responded to despite the impact on others in the family.
• A son or daughter who seems insensitive or lacking empathy for others' feelings or general well-being. It is often the parents' feelings or well-being that does not matter to them.
• Children who blame teachers for their poor academic performance or blame anyone but themselves for their bad behavior.
• Children who are insecure about themselves or their abilities as they compare themselves to others who seem "perfect" to them.
• Perfectionist attempts that lead to inevitable disappointments and emotional unraveling.
• A child who has difficulty being honest and taking accountability for misbehavior because he or she cannot tolerate the resultant feelings or consequences.
• A son or daughter who seems unhappy and dissatisfied no matter what endless opportunities they have available to them; in fact, they often do not use those opportunities offered.
• A child who cannot tolerate the feelings associated with ordinary life experiences of disappointment, loss, unwelcome change, failure, and making mistakes.
• Children who feel they deserve special privileges, seen through entitled behavior or complaining that parents are too hard on them compared to their peers' parents.
• A son or daughter who looks for shortcuts or easy ways around responsibilities, or who becomes disengaged from trying to do well because it seems too hard or would require too much sustained effort.

What all of these general examples have in common is self-centeredness and challenge to the child's sense of "specialness." Without a healthy, balanced sense of self, this literally feels intolerable.

Parents are often pulled into unhealthy patterns with their children in response to their unhappy or discontented feelings. For example, when they explain their school problems are resulting from a mean or ineffective teacher, parents get involved to "fix" the problem (poor teaching skills or a bad demeanor with the child). Parents may also lower the bar of expectation or help children complete things in order to make it easier for them and prevent them from getting discouraged. These efforts are well-meant but actually only backfire, as these children are not learning how to manage their own lives (the good, the bad and the ugly); the parents are developing an over-functioning stance preventing children's maturation; and the children do not have the opportunity to develop the real self-efficacy that ultimately builds true self-esteem. This marks the difference between "feel-good" self-esteem, which is easily destroyed by life's curve balls, and self-esteem that is solid and grounded in a realistic assessment of actual competencies.

The contemporary definition that Dr. Young-Eisendrath uses is that self-esteem is "an attitude of acceptance, approval and respect towards oneself, manifested by personal recognition of one's abilities and achievements and acknowledgement and acceptance of one's limitations." This definition points out that self-esteem holds both our strengths and our limitations in honest appraisal. She stresses that praising your child for everyday, expected accomplishments, making them feel exceptional, and feeding them what she calls "junk praise" is not helpful. It is actually much more helpful to affirm hard work, sustained efforts and your children's ability to problem solve for themselves. So in the earlier example of complaints about mean and ineffective teachers, parents might respond, "So what do you think you can do to try to resolve things for yourself in that class? Does it bother you enough to want to do something to try to resolve it with your teacher? With some effort I bet you can figure out how to approach this and make things better for yourself in that class." Teaching our children to become agents in their own lives builds self-efficacy, and self-efficacy builds self-esteem. Teaching them that struggle is ordinary and common to all people actually can be quite a relief. If struggle is something that we all go through, then children do not have to feel that their struggles indicate something is wrong with them or they have a major personal failing; they can accept that it's just part of being human. Dr. Young-Eisendrath states, "If children mistakenly believe that their own accomplishments, possessions or status will make them happy and sustain their lives, when these things do not deliver the wished-for outcomes, they (whether growing or grown) will assume that the self is the problem. They will fall into the self-esteem trap: regarding themselves as defective (not smart, pretty, talented, fast or clever enough) and turning hatred towards themselves, exaggerating their undesirable qualities and diminishing their positive characteristics."

Ten Guidelines for Healthy Parenting in an Age of Self-Importance
By Dr. Young-Eisendrath

Your kid is not king. Raise your kid to be a member of various groups including family, school, and community, and help them learn that they are not the center of attention.

Real life is disappointing. Learning to handle early disappointments fosters growth.

Autonomy is the goal. Effective self-governance and healthy self-esteem come from knowing our strengths and weaknesses in doing things in the real world and getting feedback, not from excessive encouragement or praise.

Don't feed your kid junk praise. Junk praise is like junk food, it can be addictive and take the place of developing inner wisdom and strength.

Resilience comes from being flexible. Don't protect your child from making mistakes or from having to resolve them themselves.

Help your child have patience with talents and creativity. Diligence and patience are necessary to truly develop lifelong skills.

Kindness and generosity bring the greatest happiness.

Good character wins.

Be an example in your relationships. You are examples that your children are learning from. Show them how to deal with adversity and to relate well and in a caring fashion with others.

Teach your kid how to become a member. Belonging to a family is more than being born into it. All kids should be taught to be a contributing member.

After reading this book last month an ASR parent wrote one of our therapists: "I can't even begin to thank you adequately for putting us onto the Self-Esteem Trap. This book has been a total revelation to me. For the last year I have vacillated from feeling completely baffled by the results of my dedicated parenting to latching on to the idea that my kids were wired to derail. Finally here is a book that explains what happened to my boys (and my daughter too if I am not careful) in a way that completely resolves the mystery for me.

Of course, it was what you and the other therapists the boys have seen have been hinting at all the time, but until it was spelled out for me I couldn't really grasp how loving my boys to bits and molly-coddling them every step of the way could possibly be such a bad thing. The book has already changed my attitude toward being a parent to my daughter (and believe it or not we are already seeing results).

Thank you, thank you. If only I had had this book when the boys were born instead of my Dr Brazelton bible!"For more information on the concepts explained in this article or to order Dr. Young-Eisendrath book "The Self-Esteem Trap: Raising Confident and Compassionate Kids in an Age of Self-Importance," go to her website: http://young-eisendrath.com/self-esteem-trap.php

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